Ultrasounds, Superstition, and the Bitch Named Fortune

My daughter isn't growing at a "normal" rate. My wife and I learned that fact during an ultrasound in the 19th week. This meant we had to wait a month, until May 16th, to find out if our baby's small stature was just a matter of being small or if it was a matter of true concern. The night before the most recent ultrasound I happened to read Chapter 14 of Epictetus' Handbook that begins,​

It is foolish to wish that your child, your wife, and your friends ​should live forever, for you are wishing for things to be in your power which are not, and wishing for what belongs to others to be your own.

​I was left to decide if stumbling on that line really sucked or not.

​I almost stopped reading the Handbook the second I realized what chapter I was in. There was some honest superstition bubbling up in my heart. It isn't a simple task to dwell on death in the best of times. Here I was, already aware that the next day I would hold my breath until I saw the first flutter of my daughter's heart or kick of her leg, being reminded that I had zero control of the outcome. It felt like reading Epictetus' words would tempt fate. I stared at the ceiling for a moment and Seneca came to mind.

...always take full note of Fortune's habit of behaving just as she pleases, treating her as if she were actually going to do everything it is in her power to do.​

​At that moment, Fortune seemed like quite the bitch. Of course, there was no plot against me, Christy, or our child. I was living out a Narrative Fallacy, pretending that chance events were meant to be lined up and viewed as the movie of my life. It felt like facing reality would bring about a tragedy. I can't say I reasoned myself through this obstacle, but I did get beyond it. I told myself that I was on the verge of practicing "The Secret" and that thought disgusted me enough to get back on track.

​We attended the appointment. My daughter's heart is beating just fine, though we are far from out of the woods. The specifics of the most recent ultrasound were not a glowing report, but I was able to watch her wiggle around and that was wonderful. But now, once again, there is another month of waiting and I've found the other side of magical thinking...the desire to worry.

​Worrying is useless. I don't control the future. In addition, whatever future I conjure up in my mind has no true bearing on what's to come. But it can feel wrong not to worry. Worry is an investment of energy and I want to be able to pour energy into the situation, even if it's an illusion. What's worse, not worrying can feel like not caring.​

​My daughter matters to me. This should go without saying but Stoicism can easily be misunderstood. Like every other community, we have a specialized vocabulary that requires a lot of context to properly understand. For instance, we call the things outside our control, indifferents. In a nutshell, nothing outside myself can affect whether I make a moral choice, so it is morally indifferent. The term radiates from the viewpoint of my individual self. That said, I am not meant to be indifferent to indifferents. Epictetus himself says I, "should not be unmoved, like a statue," but I should react as a human, ideally as the best human I can be. Still, accepting the limits of my control can feel like a betrayal to my family. Worrying for the sake of worrying feels better sometimes. It's not rational to think that way, but it's human. The thing is, it's so much easier to practice Stoicism when there are no stakes involved.

​The burden of the Stoic mindset is that true Stoicism is not a cloistered philosophy. The world is wrong to believe we turn our backs on emotion. We are meant to engage fully with the world. This requires a consistent, disciplined approach to our environment that develops into a radical, as in root, change of perspective concerning what truly matters. And I do believe that putting all my energy into things I can control is the best possible course of action. So where does that leave me?

I can be a good husband; emotionally available, willing to be helpful, carrying my share of burdens. ​I can be a good father; preparing our home and preparing my mind and heart for the addition of an amazing daughter. I can be attentive to the things I truly control.

I suppose now is as good a time to wrap up as any, these thoughts won't end for me anytime soon. I just wanted to share what I was feeling at this moment. Sometimes we write about living and, because we're talking in general terms, our words make life sound simple. ​It isn't. It's a struggle. It can be a joyful struggle if done well. Still, life demands effort. That's all.

We must invest our hopes not in the things that happen, but in our capacities to face them as human beings.

-Keith Seddon

Slow Fashion: The Importance of Paying for the World We Value

​Fun Fact: My most popular "Stoic" post has to do with my underwear.

You've likely heard about the factory collapse tragedy in Dhaka, Bangladesh. ​There are multiple reasons that horrible events like this one happen but, outside of the effect of gravity, they are all human generated reasons. There is no shortage of knowledge to design nor ability to construct safe buildings, there is only a lack of willingness. One of the widest reaching and most troubling reasons for this aspect of industry is the modern ability to systematically avoid paying the true cost of the items we purchase. From our clothes and mobile phones to our food, we invest in industries that cut corners at the expense of other human beings, present and future. Flint and Tinder founder, ​Jake Bronstein, recently posted about Slow Fashion v. Fast Fashion, which discusses this from the point of view of the clothing industry. I support his company, in part, because it allows me to step outside of this corner-cutting system. I believe it is incumbent on me, as a Stoic, to participate in the advancement of human affirming systems whenever possible.

Stoicism challenges us to expand our view of the world. We are to see ourselves as intimately connected to the universe and never as islands set apart. The Discipline of Action, in particular, demands that our choices be made for the common welfare of humankind. Marcus Aurelius expressed it this way,

Your only joy, and your only rest, is to pass from one action performed in the service of the human community to another act performed in the service of the human community, together with the remembrance of God. (VI, 7)

​One of my favorite features of the Stoic philosophy is it recognizes that rational thinking leads us towards others, not apart. Lived Stoicism is not an egocentric experience. It can sound that way, as much of our practice is directed inward while we wrestle with our own minds. However, when we win out over false impressions of the world we are meant to be freed to be active within it. Conquering desire and fear, we take actions that build a just and wise society. Those actions can cost us in reputation and reward. Sometimes it can hurt the pocketbook. What's that matter? The only good is virtue anyway.

Stoic Progress: The Blame Game

"It is not circumstances themselves that trouble people, but their judgments about those circumstances. For example, death is nothing terrible, for if it were, it would have appeared so to Socrates; but having the opinion that death is terrible, this is what is terrible. Therefore, whenever we are hindered or troubled or distressed, let us not blame others, but ourselves, that is, our own judgments. The uneducated person blames others for their failures; those who have just begun to be instructed blame themselves; those whose learning is complete blame neither others nor themselves."

-Ch. 5 of Epictetus' Handbook

Measuring progress in a lived philosophy isn't necessarily simple. Stoicism is meant to establish a "good flow of life" in its adherents. For instance, a person who is living well will be calm in the face of adversity, if not joyful. They will also use their skills to benefit their community, and seek to expand the very idea of community as wide as possible. The impact of lived Stoicism should be apparent to all but, because of its holistic nature, can sometimes be difficult to point out, even to ourselves. We are often more comfortable with a simple checklist.

Unfortunately, when something can be itemized, it's often not very useful as a measure of progress. It is far too easy to turn to false indicators (number of books read, quotes memorized, or arguments won) as a gauge of success. Even a positive indicator can be misleading. I may maintain a calm demeanor all day, not because I stoically accept the world warts and all, but because I wasn't faced with any potential obstacles to my tranquility. Thankfully, every once in a while an ancient Stoic points to an indicator that is hard to fake.

The uneducated person blames others for their failures; those who have just begun to be instructed blame themselves; those whose learning is complete blame neither others nor themselves. 

Epictetus says that Stoics blame themselves for moral failures. That's pretty cut and dried. As long as I am honest with myself, I can review my weak moments and see who or what I blamed. Did I claim that, "the traffic made me angry"? Was my co-worker, "so frustrating"? If so, I wasn't approaching those events as a Stoic. If I instead told myself, "I shouldn't have become angry today in traffic," or,"why did I decide to frustrate myself just because Jake can't do his job," then I messed up in the moment, but I recovered. Taking the blame is, in itself, a sign of progress. If I go a step further and avoid any anger and frustration in the first place, all the better! By the way, Stoics don't blame themselves for the events that are happening to them. Traffic isn't my fault. We do, however, accept control over our reaction to life. Our reactions, based in our judgement of the situation, are firmly in the moral sphere.

So if you're trying to live the Stoic life, where are you placing blame? Epictetus says it's all on you. If you're like me, you might prefer to skip the blame game and move on to living blamelessly, but let's face it, that's not going to happen. It is not circumstances themselves that trouble people, but their judgments about those circumstances.  That is a fundamental truth of our philosophy. It takes daily work to internalize it. If we don't, we won't have a good flow of life, and there will be no one to blame but ourselves.