Stoic Parenting: Keeping Perspective

In a decade of child development work, I've never seen a wise action taken by an obviously stressed out adult. Well, unless that action was to walk away or otherwise calm down before reacting to a child. Walking away for a few minutes seems to be a common calming down tactic, and I assume most cultures have a version of the count-to-ten method. All the calming techniques I've seen seek to do two things, first, arrest the stress or anger that's building up and, second, lend time for reflection so that our perspective better aligns with the situation. Actually, I'm probably being generous concerning the second point. The act of stepping back from negative emotions is not necessarily followed by an improved perspective. Which is a shame.

It is impossible that happiness, and yearning for what is not present, should ever be united.

- Epictetus

This is one of my go to lines as a Stoic, an educator, and a parent. Our desires matter. If we are hoping for a quiet child while we're standing in front of a three year old throwing a temper tantrum, the dissonance will cause us grief. And it is the dissonance that hurts us. It isn't the tantrum. Have you ever observed a tantrum by someone else's child and, after feeling sorry for the parent, went on about your day like nothing happened?  That's possible because the event is not where the stress lies. It's the context, it's your perspective, that causes you pain. My goal when working with children has always been to enjoy working with children while I'm doing it. The same goes for parenting. I have no interest in simply enduring the pains of fatherhood so that I can look back at how "rewarding" it all was in the future. I'm planning on loving it all today.

Stress-light* parenting requires a realistic parenting perspective. What does that look like? First, there's a focus on what a parent can actually control. Second, any thoughts about the future will cover all possible situations, not just the easy ones. Expanding on number two, those thoughts about the future are used to prepare you for the coming day, not to daydream about how you hope things will go. How does that work? I'll run a scenario in reverse.

Mission: Spend eight hours at Disneyland with a five year old.

2. Spend no time thinking about the magical experience my child will have and the hours we will spend together in my old age reminiscing about this, the best of days. Instead, spend a moment in the morning expecting the LA traffic, the long lines, possible tired child breakdowns, etc...

1. Remind myself to focus on what I control, which is my mental world. What am I going to do when traffic grinds to a halt? Be a great parent. How? By helping my child enjoy the trip, if possible, and by not yelling about turning-the-car-around-right-now if she understandably finds the ride intolerable. Long lines? Be the best parent I can be. Break downs? Be the best parent I can be. I'm working to be proud of my actions as a parent at all times and to find peace in the fact that I am honestly doing my best for myself and my child.

Another Epictetus thought, "Seek not for events to happen as you wish but wish for events to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly and serenely." Life is not simple. Events go sideways. If we invest our energy in wishing for the day to go smoothly, we're going to stress when it doesn't. If we place our energy behind our response to life as it happens, we'll be the best person we can be. Does this sound too simplistic? It probably is. Still, I've found that, with consistent effort, it works. I hope it's helpful for you as well.

*A 24/7 perfect Stoic would be stress-free, but I'm just shooting for minimal stress in this life.

How to Meet the Morning

At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself, "I have to go to work - as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for - the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?

-Marcus Aurelius

I am a fan of warm blankets. Place a cup of coffee nearby and a good book in my hand and I will stay cozy as long as possible. Of course, I can't do that 24/7 without my life unraveling. So, like Marcus, I have to get up and face the day. I shouldn't complain about this, that wouldn't be very stoic after all. But how am I to prepare my mind for the day ahead? Well, thankfully we Stoics have a means of warming up our mental engines. It's a form of early morning reflection called premeditation.

The longer form name is the premeditation of evil but I had just mentioned cozy blankets and didn't want to shock your system. I think premeditation of ills is actually more fitting, but now I'm on a tangent. Premeditation is the act of mentally rehearsing the potential difficulties of the future so that you are better prepared when they actually arrive. We Stoics can take premeditation pretty far. We will mediate on the loss of loved ones, for instance. But let's start our day a bit less intensly with a general reflection that Aurelius used himself.

Begin each day by telling yourself : Today I will be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness--all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good and what is evil.

This premeditation is a way to orient your mind towards the realities of the day. When you step out into the world, you can simply recognize that no one has the exact same agenda as you. I find it helpful to mentally recite the quote a few times, in the stillness after waking. Premeditation is an exercise, effort is required to adjust your thinking. It's way too easy to assume you're going to approach the morning stoically and then get instantly upset at morning traffic (which is never a stoic response).

Now, I don't want anyone to think that the premeditation is asking you to intentionally start your day off on the wrong foot. I can see how Marcus' quote could be viewed as, "there's a bunch of jerks out there, be ready for them," and, yes...it kind of does say that. But first, let me point out that all the things mentioned, ingratitude, disloyalty, selfishness, etc...are considered non-stoic. So you certainly can't justify treating an ungrateful person ungratefully yourself. Second, Stoics are always quick to point out that bad actions come from bad thinking or, as Marcus puts it, "ignorance of what is good and evil." We're expected to soften our stance towards people who act poorly because we'd do the same with the same information and point of view. What I'm saying is, we do not prepare for the day in order to steel ourselves against the world. If your stoicism is walling you off, you're doing it wrong! Instead, we're preparing ourselves to embrace the world as it truly is, so that we can act meaningfully within it.

The general premeditation is a simple but potent morning routine. If you want to switch up the subject matter, you can always use Seneca's version (I'll end with it) or develop your own. Just remember that the point is to prepare yourself to live the day well. Recognize that unfortunate events will occur, then decide that you can accept them and respond artfully. By having a good morning, you can have a good afternoon, until it's time to say good night. Night time is a whole different article though, so I'll leave you with Seneca's premeditation on change. No matter when this finds you, have a great morning!

The wise will start each day with the thought, "Fortune gives us nothing which we can really own." Nothing, whether public or private, is stable; the destines of men, no less than those of cities, are in a whirl. Whatever structure has been reared by a long sequence of years, at the cost of great toil and through the great kindness of the gods, is scattered and dispersed in a single day. No, he who has said ‘a day’ has granted too long a postponement to swift misfortune; an hour, an instant of time, suffices for the overthrow of empires. How often have cities in Asia, how often in Achaia, been laid low by a single shock of earthquake? How many towns in Syria, how many in Macedonia, have been swallowed up? How often has this kind of devastation laid Cyprus in ruins? We live in the middle of things which have all been destined to die. Mortal have you been born, to mortals you have given birth. Reckon on everything, expect everything.

-Seneca

Death is for Me

People are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things. Death, for instance, is not terrible, else it would have appeared so to Socrates. But the terror consists in our notion of death that it is terrible. When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles... -Enchiridion Ch 5

Stoics view mortality as a natural and fundamental aspect of life. We exist in an ever-changing universe. Therefore, much of stoic practice is meant to instill a consistent recognition of the impermanence of every aspect of life. Now, if you live in a culture that hides death away, be prepared for the backlash. As more Stoics become vocal about our philosophy, there will definitely be criticism concerning our views. And let's face it, the concept of death tends to strike at nerves.  

Caitlin Doughty, mortician and talented blogger, posted about her experiences with criticism in Death is for Everyone (a bit of a rant, really) . She is not a stoic, to my knowledge, but she is at the forefront of a movement to bring death back into our lived experience. As she reminds us, "Death is not a fad. Talking about mortality is not a trend piece like artisanal pickles or hand-carved charcuterie boards. It’s not something that “hipsters” are doing now. It is the fundamental core of the human experience." I enjoyed her post, and recommend it to you.

And just in case you hadn't stumbled across Stoicism's position on death yet, here's one more quote. 

Let death and exile, and all other things which appear terrible be daily before your eyes, but chiefly death, and you will never entertain any abject thought, nor too eagerly covet anything. -Echiridion Ch 21

I'm going to say that if a stoic teacher is advising daily visualizations concerning death, you have to view mortality as pretty central to the Stoic mindset. Now, Epictetus is not instructing us to be morose. On the contrary, death only "appears terrible." The goal is a daily recognition that death is neither terrible nor good, it is simply a fact. That fact, however, is a powerful one and can shape our decisions concerning what truly matters in this mortal life.  

So as we go around accepting Death, remember that we are the healthy ones. Living in accord with the world's terms is wise. So go forth, be mortal, and memento mori!