Stoic Parenting?!

I'm going to be a father, fate willing. My wife shared the news at the very beginning of the year so I've had every hour since then to think about it. I've been wanting to write a few thoughts about raising children as a Stoic. Even though this is my first child, I've had eight years as a child development specialist to get comfortable with the parenting mindset as both an observer and a bit of a surrogate. That said, I don't have any big thoughts today. I just wanted to announce the news!

The one thing I do know is that, in the future, I'll be able to write about being a stoic father, but not about Raising a Stoic Child. ​Raising a stoic child is impossible, and I'm not even talking about temperament. Stoicism has to be accepted and practiced, it can't be gifted or transferred. I can't tap each shoulder of my daughter (yep, she's a she) with Epictetus' Handbook and say, "rise a Stoic." The best I can do is live as a Stoic, and pass on what I've learned about life. I do know that stoic acceptance of life as it is is invaluable for parenting. Talk about a realm of the unexpected and undesired! It's amazing that parents tend to make it through the early years without being institutionalized. Anyway, I'm going to be a Dad. I'm sure you'll have fun seeing if my practice holds up under a true crucible. Hopefully I will too!

Festival: A Stoic Mindset

When you're alone you should call this condition tranquility and freedom, and think of yourself like the gods; and when you are with many, you shouldn't call it a crowd, or trouble, or uneasiness, but festival and company, and contentedly accept it.

 -Epictetus

When I'm in public, I'm at a festival. It's a mindset, one that is hugely important to my daily stoic practice. In fact, festival is a personal rallying cry. It reminds me of everything that matters in my philosophy. Festival reminds me of what is in my control. Festival demands that I live in a state of attention. Festival pokes me and says, all these people are family. I haven't run across other stoics who promote the festival mindset specifically, though I'm sure it would fit naturally in their practice and may go by other names.

First, some background. I've dealt with overwhelming anxiety since middle school. Crowds, loud parties, football games, and such have never been my favorite environments. In fact, over time I built up quite a misanthropic view of public gatherings. I had to struggle for a long while (and keep up the good work) to learn a better way to think. That's why Epictetus' quote resonates so strongly with me. The festive approach to life has freed me to enjoy more of my time and more of the world.

You'll notice that Epictetus expects us to re-frame our circumstances.  You're not in a crowd, you're at a festival. Stoics believe in personal accountability for everything that is in our control. Our opinions are one of the categories that falls under our control. You can check out the first chapter of Epictetus' Handbook for more on that, or you can recall old Will Shakespeare's, there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. The much older Epictetus agreed. He said, People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them.

We give a lot of grace to the people we're intentionally hanging out with. We've all been to an enjoyable party. Good friends having good times. Chances are, many of your pals were loud, maybe obnoxious, and yet you still had a great night. This is not because your friends are decent people who know how to party correctly. It's because your expectations were in line with partying.  

I was at a cocktail bar a month ago. I sat at the bar to read. Behind me, at least twenty five people were at tables being very loud constantly and Justin-Beiber-concert loud at random intervals. I wasn't concerned. I went to the bar expecting noise and I'd already said festival under my breath to keep my bearing. Half way into a second cocktail, my bartender came up and said, "you know, there's an engagement party going on directly behind you." I think he wanted to let me know why no one was taming the crowd. The info didn't change my already happy mood, but it lent some context. Now, the reason I'm sharing this is because about ten minutes later a couple on a date sat down at the bar next to me. As I transitioned to cocktail number three (I like cocktails with my Kindle reading) I noticed that my new neighbors were agitated. They were doing the whole, head turn and stare-at-the-loud-people-until-they-are-shamed thing that most of us have done ourselves at one time or another. I leaned over and said, "yeah, they're having an engagement party over there." The guy next to me replied, "oh, that's cool then," and they went back to their conversation and never seemed agitated again. That's how we operate. Oh, there's a reason? Fine. And the thing is, there is always a reason when it comes to humans. Maybe it's a foolish or horrible reason, but it's there. For Stoics the onus is on us to make the adjustment. We don't expect the world to be any different than it actually is. To keep my Epictetus quote streak rolling, let me add this one.

It is impossible that happiness, and yearning for what is not present, should ever be united.

I recently read one of those ubiquitous quote posters that are plastered on every website. It said, Don't get between my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU  (emphasis, the poster). This statement should make any stoic cringe. Well, I suppose a good stoic wouldn't cringe...but you get what I'm saying. My attitude depends on me and only me. Final Epic quote, this one from chapter 28 of the Handbook.

If a person gave your body to a stranger you met on the way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who verbally attacks you? 

Here, Epictetus is addressing a personal attack. The guys in the corner of the bar cheering for a touchdown? They aren't even thinking of us. How much stranger that we take it personally.

Festival. The word reminds me that my attitude is a choice. It reinvigorates me when the chaos of the day starts to affect my mood. It reminds me that the Discipline of Action calls me to care about everyone.  Most importantly, it rescues my day from myself. Who would have thought that enjoying my day is more fun than not enjoying it? Developing a festive mind takes work, but it pays well.

Review: Epictetus, Loeb Classical Library

The dustcover on my copy of Epictetus: Discourses Books 3-4, Fragments, The Encheiridion is falling apart. It's a compact book, but thick since it's printed in both original Greek and the English translation. The cover is worn because I read it at least weekly, if not daily. Epictetus comes with me on trips. His words served me well in New York during Hurricane Sandy and over the holidays visiting family. A practicing Stoic doesn't need this particular printing of Epictetus' works, but every Stoic should be immersed in Epictetus' words.

The Loeb Classical Library edition comes in two volumes. The second is the long title I mentioned at the start. The first is Epictetus: Discourses Books 1-2. Both volumes are printed with the Greek text facing an English translation. This is part of the reason I purchased the Loeb set. I have minor experience with ancient Greek and I find it can be helpful to look at the actual word used by the author from time to time. Trust me, if you ever see the word love used in an English translation of a Greek sentence, you have no idea what the writer actually meant.​ The other reason I have the Loeb edition has to do with my religious past. I used to have a bible with me everywhere I went. I'd missed having a source text to review. Now these books are on my nightstand. They have heft. They feel and smell like a book should. It feels good to have a tangible reminder of my philosophy close at hand.

​Epictetus' works are the only lengthy thoughts of a stoic teacher that we have access to. For all the helpful guidance that can be found in Seneca and Marcus Aurelius' writings, they were not teachers, but practitioners. They are our peers. Epictetus was a teacher, devoted wholly to the teaching of Stoic principles. He didn't write the Discourses, etc... himself. An industrious student named Arrian wrote down his lessons and left us with a detailed, if haphazardly arranged outline of Epictetus' teaching sessions. I am so glad that he was a good note taker.

If you were inclined to only purchase one of the two volumes, it's the second that is most necessary. ​No Stoic should be without the Encheiridion (the Handbook). The Handbook consists of 52, often short, chapters of condensed Stoic thought. It was meant to guide new Stoics. It is invaluable. The Handbook's opening sentence is arguably the most famous Stoic quote, "Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control." From there he lays out the Stoic life. The Discourses themselves are lengthier discussions of the same thoughts found in the Handbook. They are worth wrestling with.

Get yourself a copy of Epictetus' works. The Loeb edition will last you a lifetime but there are also free versions online (some with less than perfect translations). In any case, one of our ancient teachers is still able to instruct us. That's a gift that should not be passed up.​

Epictetus Volume One/Volume Two​